Loneliness isn’t just about being alone. Many people feel deeply lonely even when they’re surrounded by others, staying busy, or doing everything they believe they’re “supposed” to do. Over time, that sense of disconnection can take a real toll on emotional and physical health.
If you’ve ever wondered why connecting with others feels so hard, or why relationships don’t feel as fulfilling as you hoped, you’re not alone. And there are evidence-based ways to work with this, including an approach called Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT).
This article explores what loneliness really is, why it can persist, and how RO DBT helps people build more genuine social connection.
What Loneliness Really Means
Loneliness isn’t a personal flaw or a sign that something is “wrong” with you. It’s a human experience that signals a need for meaningful connection.
Research shows that chronic loneliness is linked to:
- Increased anxiety and depression
- Higher stress levels
- Sleep difficulties
- Worse overall health outcomes
What matters most isn’t the number of people in your life, but whether you feel emotionally seen, understood, and connected. Someone can have a full calendar and still feel isolated. "Often when people come into my office, they talk about relationships in their lives but report the feeling that people don't know the real them, or it feels like they are performing when they are with others. " Carey Werley LCSW.
Why Social Connection Can Feel So Difficult
Many people who struggle with loneliness are actually trying very hard to cope. They may:
- Hold emotions inside to avoid burdening others
- Rely on independence instead of asking for support
- Follow rules about being “appropriate,” “productive,” or “low-maintenance”
- Avoid vulnerability out of fear of rejection
While these strategies often develop for good reasons, over time they can unintentionally keep people at a distance and get in the way of the connections we crave. When emotions stay hidden, others may not realize connection is needed. When vulnerability feels unsafe, relationships can remain surface-level.
This pattern is especially common in people who are emotionally overcontrolled.
Understanding Emotional Overcontrol
Emotional overcontrol isn’t about lacking emotions. It’s about managing emotions so tightly that openness, flexibility, and spontaneity become difficult.
Signs of overcontrol can include:
- Feeling disconnected even in close relationships
- Difficulty expressing needs or emotions
- Strong self-criticism
- High self-discipline paired with inner loneliness
RO DBT was specifically developed to support people who struggle in this way.
How RO DBT Addresses Loneliness and Disconnection
Radically Open DBT is an evidence-based therapy that focuses on improving social connectedness. Rather than teaching people to control emotions more, RO DBT helps them open up flexibly and according to the situation. "One of the questions I get asked the most is whether we are going to change someone into being different or more social than they feel is natural. I often let them know that our goal is flexibility. Each person is going to identify where and with whom to use these skills and RO DBT helps us to celebrate all our unique ways of expressing ourselves and enhancing connection" Carey Werley LCSW
Key ways RO DBT helps include:
Improving Social Signaling
RO DBT helps people become more aware of facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and openness. These signals play a major role in how others experience us and whether they feel invited to connect.
Increasing Emotional Expression
Small changes, like sharing a feeling, softening a response, or showing uncertainty, can make interactions feel warmer and more authentic.
Reducing Unhelpful Self-Judgment
RO DBT works with shame and harsh self-criticism that often keep people guarded. When self-judgment softens, connection becomes less risky.
Encouraging Flexible Thinking
Instead of rigid rules about how to behave in relationships, RO DBT supports curiosity, playfulness, and openness to feedback.
Practical Steps to Gently Increase Connection
You don’t need to overhaul your personality to feel less lonely. Small, intentional shifts can make a difference.
You might try:
- Noticing moments when you hold something back and experimenting with sharing just a little more
- Making eye contact and allowing brief pauses in conversation
- Naming emotions out loud, even simply saying “I’m not sure how to say this”
- Allowing yourself to receive support without immediately minimizing your needs
These steps may feel uncomfortable at first. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Often, it means you’re practicing something new.
When Additional Support Can Help
If loneliness feels chronic, painful, or tied to anxiety, depression, or past experiences, working with a trained mental health professional can be an important step. RO DBT may be especially helpful for people who identify with emotional overcontrol, but it’s not the only path to healing.
Support is not a sign of failure. It’s a way of responding to a very real human need for connection.
You’re Not Broken for Wanting Connection
Loneliness is not a weakness. It’s a signal that connection matters to you.
With the right tools, support, and understanding, it’s possible to build relationships that feel more genuine, satisfying, and alive. RO DBT offers one evidence-based approach to help people move toward that kind of connection, at a pace that respects both safety and growth. At The Ross Center, we offer an RO-DBT Skills Class that supports individuals who struggle with overcontrol and perfectionism.