We all know that parenting is a full-time job that requires significant attention, emotion regulation, and patience. Many parents describe feeling burned out, overwhelmed, overscheduled, and distracted. Parenting can be stressful and demanding, yet most of us push through the chronic stress to show up and meet our parenting responsibilities the best we can.
It’s easy to parent on autopilot. You may find yourself reacting before you've had a chance to think, rushing from one task to the next, or feeling disconnected from the present moment. Mindful parenting offers an alternative This 4-part mindful parenting series explores how attending to thoughts, emotions, urges, behaviors, and physiological cues can help ease the stress of parenting, and allow you to show up for yourself and your family in a more effective way.
What is Mindful Parenting?
There are a lot of preconceived notions about what mindfulness is and what is required to be mindful. A common belief is that mindfulness requires you to be calm, still, and peaceful. The image of a mindful person often conjures up a person sitting alone, with a smile on their face, in a serene place. When you are in the trenches of parenting these adjectives and this image can feel impossible.
The reality is that mindfulness does not require any of these things. Mindfulness is about the ability to be in the present moment with awareness to whatever is happening, the good, the bad, and the ugly. By letting go of the need to be perfect, we give ourself options for responding in ways that help us move towards our goals.
John Kabat Zinn, a pioneer in mindfulness research, describes mindfulness as: “Paying attention on purpose in the present moment non-judgmentally.” For parents, this means becoming aware of what’s happening within while also paying attention to what’s happening around you.
Paying Attention to Your Experience
Mindful parenting begins by noticing what is happening for you. To explore your thoughts, emotions, urges, physiological cues, and behaviors.
Ask Yourself:
- What am I thinking? Practice observing and describing the specific thoughts that go through your mind. This is not about quieting your mind per-se, it is about simply noticing where does your mind go in each moment.
- What am I feeling? Identifying your emotions can almost immediately reduce the intensity of an emotion. Noticing what you are feeling and what that feeling is telling you to do gives you more opportunities to get your needs met through communication to others and/or coping skills.
- What do I want to do? An urge occurs before you act. Paying attention to what you want to do rather than acting on impulse allows you to make choices that are more in alignment with your needs.
- What is happening in your body? Your body is constantly giving you feedback and information. Noticing cues such as heart rate, muscle tension, and temperature can bring awareness to stress and relaxation responses.
By intentionally focusing on your experience rather than functioning on autopilot, you are able to remain aware and in control of your experience rather than relying on habitual reactions.
Stay In the Present Moment
It is natural for our mind to drift to the past and the future. As a parent, your mind is programmed on to-do lists, schedules, daily routines, and everyone else’s needs. Conversely, you may observe yourself thinking about something that already happened, that you missed, or that you regret.
Practicing mindfulness means gently bringing your attention back to the present moment whenever you notice your mind wandering. Over time, this helps you become more engaged with your child(ren) and more aware of your own emotional responses.
Let Go of Judgement
Mindful parenting encourages you to observe your experiences without defining them as good or bad. This is perhaps the most difficult component of mindfulness for parents. The desire to be a “good parent” and do the “right” thing is omnipresent in modern day parenting culture.
Being non-judgmental does not require you to abandon your values or ask you to stop striving towards you parenting goals. Rather, practicing a non-judgmental stance allows you to acknowledge what is happening without adding self-criticism. When you replace judgement with curiosity, you’re more likely to learn from difficult moments rather than being stuck in them.
Practice This Week
Choose one part of your day when you tend to be on autopilot - brushing your teeth, packing lunches, driving car pool, or helping with bedtime.
For just one minute per day – try to stay present and mindful. Allow yourself to notice:
- What you’re thinking
- What you’re feeling
- What sensations you notice in your body
- Urges that arise
- Any judgements that come to mind
You don’t need to change anything – simply notice what is happening and gently bring your attention back whenever your mind wanders.
Mindful parenting isn’t about perfectionism. It’s about noticing and becoming more present. As you build awareness, you’ll be better able to navigate challenges with greater patience and attention.
Next, we’ll explore how parents can become becoming more accepting and less reactive.
If you’d like to develop a mindful parenting mindset, Dr. Bernstein can help. The Ross Center also offers therapy for children and adults as well as parent consultation services Learn more about our services for parents HERE.
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