By Mary Dolby McDonald LCSW
After a long day, you may find that you need a few minutes of quiet time. Your partner, though, may want to talk about their day at the same time, so communicating your needs to your partner is important. Asking for space is a healthy way to do that, because it combines a boundary, which is a limit you set on what you need, with a request, which is something your partner can agree to.
The other option is to go silent and leave your partner to guess what's wrong, which is called stonewalling. Stonewalling can leave your partner feeling shut out and unsure what they did, and both of you can end up hurt.
This article explains the difference between the two and how to ask for space without shutting your partner out.
How to ask for space
A healthy request for space is clear and direct. When you get home after a long day, you could say, "I'm exhausted. I need 10 minutes of quiet before I make dinner."
That sentence works as both a request and a boundary, which is what makes it a healthy way to ask for space. It's a request because your partner can understand it and agree to it. It's a boundary because you know your own limits, and you know dinner won't go well until you've had a few minutes to reset.
Boundaries can also be proactive, which means you set them before a problem comes up. Before the holidays, you might say, "I'd like to set up time for the two of us to talk about what's coming up and how we'll spend time with our families." You bring it up before anyone makes decisions without you, and your partner knows what you're asking for from the start.
How stonewalling hurts your relationship
Stonewalling happens when you shut down and stop engaging instead of saying what's going on. You come home, say nothing, and move around the house a little louder than usual because you're tired, hungry and irritable. Questions get one-word answers or none at all. In effect, the message is "I'm not going to talk to you."
Stonewalling, sometimes called emotional withdrawal, is the opposite of asking for space, because it's neither a boundary nor a request. It doesn't tell your partner where your limit is, and it doesn't ask for anything, so your partner is left with a puzzle and no clues. It's an unhealthy way to handle a hard feeling.
Left to fill in the silence, your partner may assume they did something wrong, or that you're angry with them. They may pull back or push harder for an answer.
How to ask for space instead of stonewalling
You don't need to explain your whole day to ask for space. Keeping your message short and clear helps your partner get the information they need without any misunderstanding, so when you need some quiet time, tell them these three things before you step away.
- How you're feeling, in a word or two, such as "I'm wiped" or "I'm overloaded."
- What would help you right now, such as quiet, a shower or a few minutes alone.
- When you'll be ready to reconnect, such as "after dinner" or "in about 10 minutes."
Your partner may still feel a flicker of disappointment, and that's okay, because they now have something to respond to. Over time, these short check-ins can make your need for downtime feel like a normal, predictable part of the relationship.
Common questions about stonewalling and asking for space
Q: Is it selfish to want time alone after work?
A: Needing personal time to decompress is one of the most common needs people have. The key is telling your partner about it, so they can understand the need instead of guessing at it.
Q: Can a request for space also be a boundary?
A: Yes. Asking for 10 quiet minutes is a request your partner can respond to. It may also reflect a boundary about your own limits, since you may know you can't be present or helpful until you've had that time.
Q: When does stonewalling call for professional help?
A: If stonewalling, criticism or contempt have become the usual way you and your partner handle conflict, a couples therapist can help you both learn to put needs into words and break the pattern.
The Ross Center works with adults and couples who want to communicate more clearly through therapy for adults and couples and individual psychotherapy. Schedule an appointment to talk about what's happening at home.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.