By Stacy Coyle, PsyD
Your teen says their teacher hates them, or that nobody wants to hang out with them anymore, and you know for a fact that's not quite true, since you watched them laughing with friends just last weekend. Correcting them feels like the obvious move but it's also usually what ends the conversation before it goes anywhere. Learn how you can stay in that conversation instead of shutting it down by validating what your teen is feeling, while at the same time, without agreeing with what they're claiming.
What validation actually means
Validation doesn't mean agreeing with everything your teen says. It means acknowledging the emotion underneath their words is true for them, and showing them you understand why they might feel that way, even when the facts don't quite match their interpretation. You can do both at once, take the feeling seriously and disagree with the conclusion.
How to separate the feeling from the claim
Validation works by pulling the emotion apart from the factual claim. When your teen says my teacher hates me or no one wants to hang out with me anymore, you're looking at a big statement that probably isn't entirely accurate. Your instinct is to correct it directly, saying things like, “That's not true,” “Your friends were just here,” or “People like you.” Underneath your teen’s statement, though, is usually a difficult feeling they’re encountering, such as loneliness, feeling singled out, or feeling rejected.
You can validate that feeling without endorsing the claim. Try saying something like, “It sounds like you're feeling really singled out, what happened,” or, “That must feel hard, to feel like your friends don't want to be around you right now, what's been going on?” Both of those keep your teen talking. Correcting the claim first tends to shut them down and leave them feeling like you didn't actually hear them.
Validation as a go-to parenting tool
Validating your teen's feelings is a key component in evidence-based parent intervention strategies used at The Ross Center, including PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Therapy), DBT-C and DBT-A (Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Children and Adolescents), and SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotion). There is a good reason why it is embedded in these gold-standard parenting interventions: it is EFFECTIVE!
Whether you're a parent of a highly anxious teen, a teen who struggles with big feelings in general, or a typical teen who has difficult emotional moments, validation is a helpful, and often overlooked tool. Parents often default to dismissing their teen’s feelings, trying to give them information to challenge or change their thinking, or accommodating their feelings, all of which can cause them to miss an opportunity for parent-child connection and promotion of their teen’s own emotional resilience and coping. By using validation, you, as a parent, can recognize that the feeling your teen is having is true for them, regardless of the circumstances. By sitting in validation with them, you can support your teen’s ability to tolerate their difficult emotion independently. You can help your teen build confidence in their own ability to cope, and you, in turn, build confidence in trusting that your teen can handle their difficult emotions skillfully, too.
In the example described above, telling your teen the situation is no big deal and to “let it go,” or coaching them different ways to think about their experience can cause increased anger and frustration and leave them feeling invalidated or misunderstood. Telling them they're right that their teacher hates them doesn't fit the facts. None of these approaches help your child sit with and recover from their difficult emotions. Naming the feeling as real, while leaving the interpretation open, is what actually moves the conversation forward and helps build resilience in your child.
Questions parents ask
Q: What if my teen makes a claim that's so far from reality I can't let it go?
A: You don't have to agree with the claim to validate the feeling. Acknowledge what they're experiencing first, then ask questions that help them think the situation through on their own. You can offer a different perspective later in the conversation once they feel heard. Leading with correction usually ends the conversation before you get there.
Q: My teen barely talks to me anymore. How can I validate them if they won't tell me anything?
A: You build connection with a teen in everyday interactions more than in milestone conversations, the drive to school, cooking dinner together, walking the dog. Stay present and available even when they pull back. How you handle the moments they do come to you may decide whether they come back next time. The parent-teen bond is still one of the most important relationships in their life, even when they act like they don't need you.
Q: What if I validate my teen's feelings and they think I'm agreeing with a bad decision?
A: Validation isn't approval. You can say, I hear that you're frustrated and left out, and that makes sense given what happened, and later add, I'm still concerned about the choice you made, and we need to talk about what happens next. This way, your teen will feel understood before they hear your guidance.
Q: What if my teen reacts negatively to my attempts at validation?
A: Not all teens respond positively to overt validation, and for some, this can feel uncomfortable. For teens who resist direct validation, try a nonverbal, like a quick rub on the back, an understanding facial expression, or a quick "I know, it sucks,” response.
Q: What are some examples of how to validate my teen?
A: “Oh wow, that sounds like a crappy day.”
“Ugh, it’s so hard navigating friendship challenges.”
“Sounds like it was a rough practice today.”
“Some days are just bad, sorry yours was today.”
Also try nonverbal validation:
- A hug
- Back rub/pat
- A supportive head nod/facial expression
- A kind gesture (a supportive note, drawing, act of kindness, etc…)
Where to go from here
If you'd like support with these conversations, The Ross Center offers parent consultation and training and care for teens and young adults. Schedule a consultation to talk through what's happening at home.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.