The urge for things to be different is quite pervasive in the process of parenting.
- I wish I had more time.
- I wish I reacted differently.
- I shouldn’t have yelled.
- I shouldn’t get upset about such small things.
- I should be able to do it all.
- I should enjoy this.
The desire for things to be different is natural and understandable. We all have expectations about how things are “supposed to be.” Sometimes these hopes motivate us and help us step towards our goals. However, when we continually push back against the reality that is in front of us it is easy to feel frustrated, defeated, and ineffective.
In Part 1 of this series, we explored how mindful parenting helps us become more aware of our thoughts, emotions, and physical responses. This awareness creates an important first step: the ability to pause. Learning to become more accepting is another important element of Mindful Parenting.
The Challenge of Acceptance in Parenting
Accepting reality without judging it, fighting it, or pushing it away is an extremely difficult task. Acceptance requires you to maintain awareness of the present moment, understand your reactions, and allow experiences to come and go. Acceptance does not require you to approve of what is happening. It makes sense to feel angry when your child does not listen to you. It makes sense to feel sad when you learn your child has a diagnosis you were not expecting. It makes sense to feel anxious when your child is excluded from a playdate.
Observe Your Own Reactions
Acceptance is a tool you can use when you are in a situation that you cannot immediately problem solve. It is most helpful in the moments when you find yourself thinking, “I want this to be different” and you know that it cannot be. The goal is to practice observing your own reactions to the reality that is in front of you instead of pushing against something that you do not have control over.
Parenting demands this skill multiple times per day. If you can shift your focus towards acceptance and away from the constant need for change it reduces emotional distress and allows you to respond to what is in front of you, not an alternative reality.
Practice This Week
When you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed by a parenting challenge, try using the ACCEPT skills:
- Allow: allow the situation, thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations to just be as they are
- Curiosity: be curious about the situation, thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations
- Compassion: try to have compassion for yourself and others in the situation
- Embrace: try to embrace what is going on internally and externally
- Perspective: put things into perspective and allow new thoughts and feelings to emerge
- Trust: trust yourself and your ability to tolerate what is happening
Acceptance is a very difficult skill, and it can make a profound impact in parenting. Remember, this skill is not about letting go of hopes and expectations for your child(ren). This is a skill about awareness of what is happening in the present moment and what is within your control. Acceptance is a very active practice.
Practice This Week
For this week, pay attention to the moments that you push against reality. Take a breath. Practice acceptance. See what happens.
Next, we'll explore another important parenting skill: how to manage difficult thoughts and reduce the impact of self-criticism.
The Ross Center offers consultation and support for parents, whether your children are in therapy or not. Learn more about our parent services and consultation HERE. Contact Us to schedule an appointment.