There are thousands of parenting books on the market; however, there is no manual about how to parent. Furthermore, there is no specific manual on how to parent your specific child, in your specific life, at this specific time. Even though there is no right or wrong way to parent, many parents still find plenty of opportunities to judge themselves and their children.
These judgements are not inherently negative, and they can contribute to stress in parenting. The judgements can be sneaky, and you may not even be aware they are occurring.
For example:
- my child should listen to me
- my child should know better
- I shouldn’t have to repeat myself
- I should be able to do this.
There is a distinction between what you may want and what is reality. Closely tied to acceptance is the concept of Beginner’s Mind.
Develop an Open Mind
Beginner’s mind is the process of letting go of preconceived notions and allowing yourself to see things with an open mind, and as if you are seeing something for the first time. Beginner’s mind is about cultivating curiosity when you approach everyday situations, not only when you are learning something new. As a beginner there is value in being open minded and allowing opportunities for trial and error. This allows you to learn and approach the task in front of you effectively. As we gain exposure and experience, we tend to drop our exploratory attitude and replace it with a fixed mindset that is not always open to new information or ways of adapting.
Take a Step Back
The learning curve in parenting is steep. There is a lot of focus on learning to be a parent in the newborn stage, but less attention is given to the ongoing learning that is required as your child develops. Each day and stage require a new set of skills and responses, and this is a huge task for all parties involved. From a survival standpoint our brains need to synthesize information and make quick decisions. It makes sense why we fall into routines and pre-programmed ways of responding. Sometimes these work, sometimes they do not.
Beginner’s mind is for the times when our standard set of responses do not work. It is easy to get pulled into the judgements and to build frustration. Beginner’s mind is the process of taking a step back and looking at yourself and your child as you/they are in this given moment and to learn from it rather than push it to change.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Dr. Francheska Perepletchikova, the developer and founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for Children teaches caregivers to cultivate the “my child is a Martian” mindset. The approach is: if an alien were to land in your front yard you wouldn’t have expectations about what it was going to do next. You would take a set back and observe what it was going to do. By taking this approach, you would be able to respond to the specific behaviors and responses of the alien in the moment, without placing unrealistic expectations or parameters around what it should be doing.
In approaching your child with beginner’s mind, you can learn and respond from the moment in front of you. You can function from a place of curiosity to what is truly effective and let go of traps that confine you to the “right” way of doing something, even if it is continuously not getting you the outcome that you want.
NOVICE: Steps for Getting into Beginner’s Mind
Notice your “shoulds”
- Practice labeling the shoulds you have for yourself and your child. Let these be a signal to you that this is a time to use the beginner’s mind skill
Observe urges
- Pay attention to what you want to do and ask yourself if this response will be effective or not
Validate yourself
- Your emotions, thoughts, and urges make sense. Allow space for these responses to exist, even if you do not act on them.
Investigate what is in front of you
- Practice the “my child is a Martian” approach
Curiosity leads the way
- Allow the information you learned from beginner’s mind to guide your response
Effective responding
- Respond in a way that will move you closer to your goal(s)
Practice This Week
For this week: Practice beginner’s mind. Allow yourself to let go of being an expert parent and practice being a NOVICE.
If you’d like to develop a mindful parenting mindset, Dr. Bernstein can help. The Ross Center also offers therapy for children and adults as well as parent consultation services. Learn more about our services for parents HERE.
Contact Us to schedule an appointment.